Why My ‘Normal’ Breast Now Feels Like a Liability

Almost 10 years out from breast cancer treatment, which began with a unilateral mastectomy, my relationship with my remaining breast has changed. Now this lone breast feels out of sync. I frown at it as I do a self-exam in the shower or look in the mirror as I get dressed. As fortunate as I am to trust in regular screenings, and not need an aromatase inhibitor, this ostensibly healthy breast feels, sometimes, like the enemy. It has lost its charm.

What once gave me a sense of normalcy, one “normal” breast I could pamper with cancer screenings and clothe with soft fabrics, has made me wish I had undergone a contralateral prophylactic mastectomy. I worry that I will spend too many years of my life thinking about this breast, wondering when and if I will get cancer again. I do not think it is worth all the money poured into it either.

This new, surprising, attitude evolved after a recent MRI with dye contrast, a test that is ideal for screening my type of breast tissue but less ideal for my kidneys. It is also expensive. My follow-up plan has been to alternate mammograms with the MRI every now and then. As I look at my health holistically, though, I realize that the 3D mammogram as annual baseline may be better for my overall health. Will I continue the MRI? That is one more worry to contemplate.

When I was diagnosed with cancer, my team encouraged a unilateral mastectomy prior to other treatment. We never discussed the possibility of removing both breasts. I do not have the worrisome BRCA gene mutation. Following up with my surgeon later that same year, after I had time to get over my initial shock with all that was going on, I did ask why a “double mastectomy” had not been recommended. I was told it would have been an option had I been “younger.” I accepted that wisdom then.

Now, older, I believe “younger” is a relative word. Even for older women, not having one more chance to get breast cancer can lighten the load. My mother, for example, got a second cancer in her remaining breast in her late eighties. While a life has to wind down one way or the other, cancer mixed with late-stage dementia — or even a healthy brain — is daunting. Do I want to look forward to that along with worrying about all the monitoring?

Hindsight is 20-20. Now is not the time for me to make a case for a mastectomy. Therefore, I will work through my complicated new normal. I share my feelings here just to say that if you ever find yourself discussing options, ask about all options. As Breastcancer.org advises, “If you’ve been diagnosed with early-stage breast cancer, ask your doctor about ALL of your treatment and risk reduction options.” Many women do choose a contralateral prophylactic mastectomy, even women the age I was when first diagnosed. I would not have regretted choosing one.

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