What To Say - And What Not to Say - To a Friend or Loved One With Cancer

Sometimes it’s hard to know what to say, especially when cancer is involved.

We recently asked our social media audience: When living with cancer, what words would you most want to hear from your family and friends? What would you not want to hear?

While a few commenters noted that every conversation has the potential to be a sticky situation — one said that “it’s like (walking) on eggshells trying to say the right thing” – a few recognize that for the most part, friends and family don’t mean any harm. As one commenter explained, “Overall, I realize people are well meaning so I try to remember that.”

When it comes to what to say — and what not to say – here’s what our audience had to say:

What do you most want to hear from family and friends?

• I want to hear the phone ring, I want to have people come visit me, I want to not feel all alone. — TL
• We are here for you. — SS
• Asking if today is an ok day to do something. Many aren’t. — VB
• I can do XYZ for you. Would you like that? This is about you, what do you need? I will fight for you when you feel like you can’t fight anymore. — KB
• I am on my way over to clean your house. — MM
• Hey, I’m making you dinner. What don’t you like? — AG
• Let’s go out and do something fun! — ID
• You will not go through this alone. — JK
• I am so sorry you are going through this. I love you and I am here for you. — DB
• I don’t know what to say, but I’m here. — VS
• I am so sorry this has happened. Tell me what you need. — NG
• I like to hear when they ask anything about me the person, not the cancer patient. — DV
• I’m praying for you. — RG

What do you not want to hear?

• I’m praying for you. — VS
• Advice on how to beat cancer from people who never had cancer; positive pep talks urging me to be positive, stay strong, etc.; stories about other people's relatives who had cancer. — SL
• They have the cure for cancer but big pharma wants to keep it a secret so they can make money. — SS
• God doesn’t give you more than you can handle = THE WORST!!! Never say this! — TG
• How are you feeling? — MM
• You’re strong. You’ll win this battle. — AG
• I don't want to hear the sound of silence from people too afraid to face me. — MM
• You don't look sick. — ID
• At least it’s the good kind of cancer. — RG
• You need to keep a positive attitude; it could be worse. — DB
• ‘I know how feel.’ No, you don't. — TS
• I get tired of hearing ‘I’m sorry’ when I am going through a bad time or feeling down. It doesn’t comfort me, and I think to myself, don’t you understand? Is that all you can say? But then I figure they mean well and I cut them some slack. — LM
• You’ve got this. — KGM