What Cancer-Related Grief Felt Like to Me

Since having cancer, I look at the word "grief" a little bit differently. Usually, someone experiences grief when they have lost a loved one or friend. But have you ever thought about experiencing feelings of despair because of a cancer diagnosis? Grief isn’t always about death.

I didn’t think this way until the doctor came into the recovery room 17 years ago and told me I had a rare cancer (peritoneal mesothelioma) with an 18-month prognosis. At that moment, I entered a state of grief and didn’t realize it. I was grieving the notion that my health was attacked by cancer and my future was at risk because of the horrible prognosis and plans that I hadn’t even planned out yet.

When you’ve been told you have cancer and find yourself going through the motions, the emotional and physical roller coaster of grieving something that could have been might seem out of line to others who are looking from the outside. Truth be told, I was afraid even to say anything around my family members that might have sounded like I was grieving things I couldn’t have or do because it would have sounded like I was ungrateful. I remember during a follow-up visit after having surgery; I was scared to ask my doctor if I would be able to have any more children. When it was my turn to ask questions, I paused, looked at my grandma, who was giving me the side eye, took a deep breath, and just asked anyway. Only for him to tell me to be grateful for the one child I had, so the answer was no. To add, I had three more children!

Everyone Grieves in Their Own Way

Grieving is different for everyone, just like how people with the same cancer diagnosis have their unique journeys and experiences. When I was first diagnosed with cancer, I felt my body automatically go into a state of shock. The shock transformed into disbelief, which evolved into a mix of profound sadness and simmering anger. It took me a while to realize that I was in a state of grief, processing the news in my way.

A decade after my diagnosis, my husband was diagnosed with cancer. I thought he would handle it the same way I did, but he didn’t, and I respected that.

I learned that no one can tell you how to grieve, when and how long you should grieve. One of the most common side effects of chemotherapy is hair loss. For some people, their hair and self-esteem are essential to them, so losing it can cause grief. In this case, people may withdraw, isolate themselves from others, and feel anxious or self-conscious. Guess what? That’s OK!

I’ve realized that there are some physical symptoms of grief, like trouble sleeping, crying, eating less or more, problems concentrating, feeling tired or weak, feeling anxious.

Ways I coped with cancer-related grief:

• Gave myself permission to sit and acknowledge my feelings.
• Allowed myself to cry.
• Didn’t care what others thought.
• Journaled and wrote my thoughts down.
• Honest with myself and my family members about how I felt.

Keep in mind that if you’re dealing with grief related to cancer, it can be challenging and personal. It's important to know that there's no right or wrong way to grieve, and everyone's journey is different. By acknowledging our feelings, seeking support from loved ones and caring for ourselves, we can endure tough times with strength. Remember, it's OK to take the time you need to heal.

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