Learning to ‘Let it Be’ After Poor Test Results

Chester Freeman was diagnosed with bladder cancer and most recently with chronic lymphocytic leukemia (CLL). Read Chester's blogs here!

Have you ever misplaced something and found it later, and in an unusual place? I have. For some unknown reason, I put my cell phone charger cord in the kitchen drawer that contains the spatulas and wooden spoons.

Have you ever looked for something and discovered that it was right in front of you, but you couldn’t see it? I have. I was looking for a flashlight and couldn’t see it until I stopped and looked around two more times. And there it was, right in front of me.

When things like this happen, it makes me stop and think. These things seem to happen when I think I’m okay emotionally. But then I realize I’m not. 

My blood work has been going up and down like a see-saw and it’s frustrating. This makes me lose my focus and I become unbalanced. I realize I need to refocus, and again, find my center. I need to stop and find the quiet place within me. I need to let the still small voice speak to me and bring me comfort.

Sometimes, I find that comfort in listening to a song. One particular song that comes to mind is “Let it Be,” by Sir Paul McCartney. This is what I am trying to do – let it be. 

When my blood work goes up and down, I think of the Japanese philosophy of “wabi-sabi,” which is accepting the brokenness or impermanence of life. 

This is what Sir Paul McCartney wrote about in his song. When Paul was 14 years old, his mother died of breast cancer. Specifically, she had an embolism and died during surgery. Many years later, during the 1960s, Paul said his mother came to him in a dream and said, “It’s gonna be okay, let it be.” This was his inspiration for the song. It’s also interesting to note that Paul’s mother’s name was Mary. When I heard the song for the first time, I immediately thought it was a religious song and that Paul was referring to the Virgin Mary.

Another interesting fact about this story is that Paul’s mother was Roman Catholic. His father, however, was Protestant and he eventually became agnostic. In recent years, Paul has become agnostic, like his father. 

Since I now know about all of these back stories in the song, I view it in a totally different light. A verse that stands out to me is the last one:

“And when the night is cloudy there is still a light that shines on me. Shinin' until tomorrow, let it be. I wake up to the sound of music, Mother Mary comes to me. Speaking words of wisdom, let it be”

I’m still learning to “let it be” in my life. It’s not easy. 

Do you remember when your mother got out the “good china” glass for holiday celebrations? When I was growing up, my mother only used the china on special occasions. While my parents were still living, I found myself doing the same thing. But when they passed on and I was selling their good china, I realized it had only been used a few times. 

In the process of clearing out my childhood home, I realized I should use my “good things” in the here and now. So, when we moved into our newly renovated home, I decided to use all my “special” handmade pottery dishes and hand-blown, hand signed drinking glasses on a daily basis. If I chip one of them, I say to myself, “let it be.” 

Considering that I lived and studied in Japan, I recall the art form of kintsugi. In this art form, a bowl or cup that has been broken, is put together again using gold dust with glue. The artist doesn’t try to hide the cracks, instead the artist honors them and celebrates the brokenness. The cup or bowl is accentuated by the gold. This Japanese tradition teaches us that we are all wounded healers. 

There is an excellent book called, “The Wounded Healer,” by Henri Nouwen. He speaks of a woundedness in human nature and gives us hope in our suffering. We must have hope in our hearts to endure the pain of chemotherapy and its side effects. I recall another Japanese expression as well and I say to myself, “wabi-sabi.” Wabi means, “being alone,” and sabi refers to the beauty that comes with the passage of time. So, in Japanese philosophy, wabi-sabi is an acceptance of the imperfections or transience of life. So, I try to live the principles of kintsugi and wabi-sabi. 

Earlier in my life, I’d never have been able to do that. I would have obsessed over a broken or damaged item and done everything I could to replace it immediately. But now, I’m learning to “let it be.” Perhaps this is the wisdom that comes with age. Perhaps this is the wisdom that comes when we listen to the still small voice within us. This is where we learn to use our spiritual resources to center ourselves, so we can move forward. This is where we learn we can let go of the baggage we carry with us and the things that hold us back in our lives. Another verse of, “Let it Be,” that stands out for me is the first one.

“When I find myself in times of trouble, Mother Mary comes to me. Speaking words of wisdom, let it be. And in my hour of darkness she is standing right in front of me. Speaking words of wisdom, let it be”

Now when we hear this song, we can think of the wisdom Paul’s mother gave him as he came to terms with her death.

His song encourages us to find wisdom in our own lives. And if we have loved ones who have passed on and left us words of wisdom, those words can guide our thoughts and encourage us to “soldier on” in our own cancer journeys. I continue on my life journey struggling to, “Let it Be!” 

Finally, I can close these reflections on a positive note of gratitude. The roller coaster is moving me in a good direction. My platelet count is up to 66! My white blood cell count went down a bit to 23. I am so appreciative for your prayers of support, the greeting cards which put a smile on my face, other cards which make me laugh out loud, and for the flowers you bring to uplift my spirits. I hope my reflections encourage you to face the challenges and obstacles that may arise in your life because we are all supporting each other on this life journey together.

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