Tips for Making a Thanksgiving Manageable With Cancer

Felicia Mitchell is a survivor of stage 2b HER2-positive breast cancer diagnosed in 2010. Catch up on all of Felicia's blogs here!

I cannot celebrate Thanksgiving without thinking of the year I wanted to cancel it and just curl up into a chair with a book. This was when I was beginning chemotherapy for breast cancer and still working my job while getting used to the roller coaster of experiences. A few days without interacting seemed like a fabulous idea to me.

The idea of any group effort, of any expenditure of mental energy, made me want to get back into bed and pull the covers over my head. Thank goodness my family did not listen to me. Although they would have, if I had been adamant about any choice — they are not bullies. What unfolded instead of a day with me feeling sorry for myself was a day that reminded me why maintaining family ties, even when we feel so tired and unable to connect, is important.

That Thanksgiving worked out well because nobody expected me to do anything. My sister-in-law and brother arrived with a full meal from a chain store, from turkey to pies, augmented by some personal touches like cranberry relish. My sister-in-law and my brother served, washed dishes and brought everything to me. They were in charge, and I accepted pampering.

Also special is the fact that this Thanksgiving Day brought my son, ex-husband and me together as a family, setting a stage for future ways to handle our new normal that coincided with my cancer journey. Our little dog, loving all the attention, enjoyed a special Thanksgiving walk when my son got me out of the house in the afternoon to walk down the road a little bit and back. The cats got some turkey too.

There were only a few pictures taken on that special day. One is of my son and me with Spot. I love the photo not because it is perhaps the last photo of me with all the hair I used to have but because of the look in my son’s eyes, a mixture of love and compassionate concern. Another is of me curled sideways into an easy chair, dozing. My brother likes to document everything, not just the jovial moments.

If you are planning a holiday with not only family but also cancer, here are a few tips I learned that Thanksgiving:

1.  Listen to your heart. If you think a visit will be too fraught, say so; if your heart is willing, but your body is tired, consider being honest about how you feel and let somebody else pick up the pace for you.
2. Even if you are the one who wants to be in control, let go for at least a day. Let somebody else serve you and wash your dishes, even if your kitchen could use a good scrub or remodeling.
3. You be you: you with cancer, not you who might be in better health, be the life of the party or the one fussing over everybody’s coffee cup.
4. Ideally, your guests will, like mine, stay in a hotel to afford you the privacy you need while experiencing chemo fatigue and/or nausea.
5. The most important thing to remember is that you are in control. If minutes before everybody shows up you think you cannot muster any energy whatsoever, suggest a Plan B. Anybody who loves you will be sympathetic to your needs, even if that means asking your family to leave the food at your doorstep as they tiptoe away.

These are just a few tips that might allow your Thanksgiving to create a new memory to balance out the harsher memories cancer can sometimes create.

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