The Solitude of Reality With Multiple Myeloma

The feeling of solitude during multiple myeloma came along with some good and bad, according to Judy.

I Would Never Share

It was 2017

68 years old, retired, facing new-born optimism

happy to share my enthusiasm

living my little life with gusto and fervor

but with questions

grandson born healthy, blood of my blood

normal became abnormal, suspicion became anxiety

It was 2018, Valentine’s Day

heart pounding, hope heady

the mutation of reality, reeling

realizing my body

was not the antibody, not the antiseptic

wishing for a magical bone of contention

to argue with — to rage against — to deny

It was that August molecules realigned

the flow of hope was hunger for respite

for normalcy for circulation of life

New York City with my daughter to see through her eyes

the lights, the lives, the flow a city generates

the flow a body generates

It was 2020, decision made

silent consent permission acceptance

then the pandemic mutated reality

denying science, ignoring logic

realizing my life blood

circulates stronger than ignorance

COVID-19 avoidable, my truth undeniable

from my marrow, my soul, the single thing

I would never share

Is Cancer

The Diagnosis

To be on the outside looking in at my own life was weird

It was the creep on the back of my neck that scared

Darkness was never my friend; it's something I feared

Grappling with reality was to the point of absurd

There was a screwdriver sticking in my head — I was not prepared

To be on the outside looking in at my own life was weird

Understanding seemed relatively easy, but was soothing to discard

There was no peace, no respite — I was not being spared

Darkness was never my friend; it's something I feared

Incessant hammering of my heart finally disappeared

The dilemma was not mine alone and it could be shared

To be on the outside looking in at my own life was weird

Acceptance came slowly as I mentally matured

Guilt, anger, denial needed to be commandeered

Darkness was never my friend; it's something I feared

Coming to terms with chaos should definitely be revered

Survival, acknowledgement and quiet soon appeared

To be on the outside looking in at my own life was weird

Darkness was never my friend; it's something I no longer fear

The Solitude of Reality

That place between anxiety and sadness

is a crevice where only I see my exit.

The solitude is exclusive

and silence is a strain.

Sentiment enhances the good,

disbelief intensifies the bad.

There is some freedom in knowing.

I feel the weight of my hour,

the burden my family will feel,

the gravity of departure.

I understand the reality.

It’s the imagination that suffers.

This poem was written and submitted by Judy Jones Brickner. The article reflects the views of Brickner and not of CURE®. This is also not supposed to be intended as medical advice.

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