My Dog and Thoughts of Gratitude After Cancer

Mary Sansone is a two-time survivor of acute myeloid leukemia. Catch up on all of Mary's blogs here!

Little things are adding up. Some conflicts at work. Holiday spending concerns. Some loneliness.

You may be reading this after Thanksgiving. As I wrote this, I was making my Thanksgiving cranberry dish for the feast. The family will be gathering at my brother’s home. They claim to like my cranberry dish, but I think they are assigning me something easy to make given that my cooking and baking history is dismal.

Then why am I happy? The dog show is on Thanksgiving!

I love dogs. I’m excited to see the Purina dog show after the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day parade tomorrow. When I was first diagnosed with acute myeloid leukemia (AML) in 2016, my golden retriever Payton visited me right outside the hospital in Illinois, before I started my treatment. He was like a son and gave me an extra reason to live. He sadly passed right before I got my second diagnosis of AML and a bone marrow transplant in 2020.

I remember taking a walk with Payton in the winter weather between chemo and transfusion sessions. I suddenly couldn’t stop shaking. We turned around immediately. I started shivering violently. I put my hands under hot water, but my teeth clacked so hard that I thought I would not only chip a tooth but break my jaw! I hovered over a space heater, but the clacking wouldn’t stop. I couldn’t get the thermometer to stay in my mouth, nor could I dial 911 as I was shivering so badly.

It was Payton’s dinner hour when he would normally do a pre-dinner dance. But he would not leave my side. He put his head on my lap and just stayed as still as possible for what seemed to be hours. Eventually, I captured a fever reading on the thermometer and connected with a neighbor who took me to the ER. Payton was cared for by the neighbors and his daycare while I recovered. I carried his love through treatment.

Even though my heart still hurts that Payton is gone, I am grateful for the memories. I’m so grateful that he helped me take the next step each day in my treatment and recovery journey.

I am going to do my best to put any nuisances aside tomorrow. I sometimes let petty problems fester and forget that I am blessed with life and opportunity.

Forgive me — I am taking a detour in this missive...

I’m going to be honest here. Sometimes when I write about how great it is to have survived cancer, a part of me feels awful. I want to reach out to those who are facing end of life to let them know that they are in my heart and in my thoughts. They are. A lot. I can say that I am blessed to be a survivor, but that shouldn’t mean that those who are struggling aren’t blessed. I want to hurdle peace and love and comfort through space to patients facing the unknown. I pray that a paradise does exist for the beautiful souls at end of life — and for the rest of us when it is time. It’s such a frustrating mystery. I’m just little ol’ me and can’t do much. This is why giving to research and other powerful resources is so important to me.

May my cancer community, family and friends find peace and love this holiday season.

For more news on cancer updates, research and education, don’t forget to subscribe to CURE®’s newsletters here.