Keeping Cancer Out of the Closet

Linda Cohen is a survivor of small lymphocytic lymphoma and was diagnosed in 2009. Catch up on all of Linda's blogs here!

Every time I get dressed, I look at my legs and that determines what I wear. Will it be a long dress today or pants?

I am on cancer medication, probably for the rest of my life, that now dictates my wardrobe. When I began taking this particular BTK inhibitor in the form of a pill for small lymphocytic lymphoma, I read that one of the common side effects was bruising easily. “OK,” I figured, “how bad could that be?”

Well, let me tell you, it’s a pain. My entire left leg is discolored from bruising after taking it every 12 hours for two years.

I don’t think that my left leg looks like the normal bruising side effects of this medication. I’ve had the easy bruising, but that goes away. This is worse than that. It looks like a big, horrible stain and it’s now been two years. It doesn’t go away like normal bruises, and it seems to be slowly getting worse, spreading from above my ankle to under my knee. Did I mention that now it’s beginning on my right leg too?

Each month my pharmacist calls and asks if everything is still OK with the pills. Every month, I tell him the same thing. I’m fine, but my leg is awful. I find myself complaining about how it looks to whichever pharmacist calls me. I explain I can never wear a knee-length dress unless it’s cold enough to wear tights. I will never again be able to wear a normal bathing suit — I now wear long swim pants. And I feel sad listening to myself because it’s a constant reminder that I’m not really fine at all. It affects me psychologically. It is hard enough growing older, with chronic cancer, but to have to be so limited with my clothes choices is annoying and sounds downright silly when I hear myself express that. Yet, it’s a constant reminder of my cancer every day when I get dressed.

I’ve mentioned in other articles that I am the queen of reframing. I quickly say to the pharmacist, “It’s a small price to pay for feeling totally back to normal — full of energy to live a quality normal life.” I know that cerebrally. I remind myself of it all the time. Usually, it helps me deal with it, but sometimes, I find myself wishing to have my unstained legs back. I find myself angry with the fact that my legs determine my daily clothing choices, no matter what I have planned for the day. It’s hard to forget that I’m dealing with cancer for the rest of my life when I’m dealing with it one way or another on a daily basis.

BUTI’ve learned along the way that it’s OK to be honest with myself when I have these feelings. It’s healthy to feel and acknowledge these thoughts. Then, I push myself to reframe it. I can’t emphasize enough how much this helps me. I reframe how superficial it is to let my clothing limitations make me feel this way. I think about how I felt before this medication and how my life would have been for the past two years without it. I know this medication has given me the ability to live a full life and I have often referred to it as a miracle drug! So, I say to myself: You’re going to complain that you can’t show your bare legs anymore. Really?

Just like that, I remind myself that I have tremendous gratitude for many things in my life, especially this medicine.

And just like that, I’m back in a much better place.

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