I Am in Here: A Poem About Life With Cancer

I Am in Here

A woman wrote a poem about how cancer — and losing her hair from chemotherapy — affected her self-esteem.

I am in here; would you look and see?

I am fighting against the cancer that has gotten ahold of me.

I am in here, would you look, and see?

I am more than a diagnosis of sickness and disease.

I am in here, would you look, and see?

It is not the chemotherapy; it is really me.

I am in here, would you look, and see?

It is your glaring stare that is amazing me.

I am in here; would you look at me?

I am not my baldness; that is just a reflection of me.

I am in here, take a quiet moment and see,

I am not the radiation, medication, nor doctors that plague me.

Only if you would stop!!! Can’t you see the dreams that life has for me?

I am in here; would you please look at me?

There is a beauty of divine healing being bestowed upon me.

I am a member of a family with three generations of breast cancer. Each woman impacted is a part of my maternal family. I have been a caregiver and support person to many of the women. However, I had never witnessed any of them go through the experience of losing their hair due to chemotherapy — until my sister.

As the older sister and support person, I am saddened by my initial behavior when my sister lost her hair. I was internally judgmental and lacked empathy. I did not understand the psychological damage of chemo-related hair loss. I never considered the impact on self-esteem, self-value, self-love, identity and beauty. Looking back, I now understand the complexity of chemo-related hair loss. It goes beyond physical appearance and can affect a person's mental and emotional well-being. I learned this lesson in my subsequent breast cancer diagnosis.

Baldness pressured my strained self-identity. Was I the same person? What happened to my already distorted self-esteem? I decided to create different phases to manage my breast cancer hair loss. It consisted of stages similar to a cancer diagnosis.

• Stage 1: gradual hair loss process.
• Stage 2: admitting I needed to have my head shaved.
• Stage 3: mirrors identify me - the shock of baldness
• Stage 4: The power of defining self-beauty.

My beauty is a collage of multiple attributes. It includes compassion, understanding, integrity, the pain and sorrow of my life experiences, my heart, love, truth, faith in a divine creator and finally, the only dimple I have on the left side of my face. I have one dimple instead of two.

In closing, will I ever be voted “Beautiful Woman of the Year?” Will I have my picture on the cover of a national beauty magazine? Perhaps not. But losing my hair and wearing my scalp openly bald taught me the priceless value of looking in the mirror and loving myself. Hair is just one component of beauty. If you are experiencing chemo-induced baldness, take time to learn how beautiful you are and erase the words, “I am ugly” from your mental vocabulary.

This poem was written and submitted by Felicia S. Johnson. The article reflects the views Johnson and not of CURE®. This is also not supposed to be intended as medical advice.

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