From Survivor’s Guilt to Gratitude

The month of August has always been a harsh reminder of what I went through after being diagnosed with stage 3b colorectal cancer six years ago. I was shocked to be diagnosed at age of 50, which is still young considering the average age for diagnosis for this type of cancer is 66 years old, according to the American Cancer Society.

I find that there are many emotional and physical scars linger with me, especially after going through surgery to remove a 10-cm tumor from the sigmoid region of my colon, reconnection of my colon and then learning that the cancer had spread to my lymphatic system after finding out that three lymph nodes test positive for cancer. Then I found myself facing six months of two forms of chemotherapy to prevent a recurrence of the cancer. That was followed by five years of regular screenings to make sure the cancer had not returned.

While short in its timetable, I know that my cancer experience can be traumatizing for anyone, and the guilt of survivorship can be emotionally scarring. It’s been a process to go from feeling completely guilty as a cancer survivor to a space of complete gratitude.

As we know, there is an increasing number of men and women being diagnosed with colorectal cancer under the age of 40. It is the second leading cause of cancer-related deaths for men and women combined, per the National Institutes of Health. I have known many young adults and even children die from this disease.

Today, like many cancer survivors, after being cancer free for over five years I struggle with my own existence as I move forward in this life; I have looked to find the right path in my survivorship. I am not someone that really connects with the science or research in the cancer space. It has always made my brain go sideways. But as a layman, I see its importance for the survivorship of others today. I have been given many opportunities over the last couple of years to share my cancer story to urge pharmaceutical companies to continue to seek a cure for cancer. I have worked with organizations like manuptocancer.org, Fight Colorectal Cancer and the Colon Cancer Coalition to ask our government representatives to pass bills to fund more cancer research.

I think we all have our own strengths as human beings, and mine seems to lie within the area of emotional support to those in the fight with cancer. On a daily basis, I use my platform as the COO of the nonprofit Man Up To Cancer and my work with colontown.org to offer patients with cancer emotional support, as well as directions for those newly diagnosed with cancer. It is something that brings me purpose today as a cancer survivor. I’m grateful to be here to offer it.

As the years have gone by, I find myself not to be as focused on the guilt of being a cancer survivor but more so the support I can offer from the experience I have gained from this journey. One thing I have told myself over the years is that cancer might be done with me, but I’m not done with cancer.

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