Four Things to Remember When Both Spouses Have Cancer

Chester Freeman was diagnosed with bladder cancer and most recently with chronic lymphocytic leukemia (CLL). Read Chester's blogs here!

It’s a real challenge when either a husband and wife or a partner and significant other have cancer. We go through all sorts of emotions, from rage and depression to losing hope and regaining hope. It’s very important that we find ways to support each other and to cope with our cancers. When we open up to others, we gain more insight and build better relationships.

I have chronic lymphocytic leukemia, and my spouse of 43 years has metastatic prostate cancer. Fortunately, these diagnoses didn’t occur at the same time, and we’ve been able to help each other. We’ve taken turns being caregivers for each other. However, I hasten to add that this hasn’t been easy.

My partner gets his treatment at Johns Hopkins Hospital, so that means he must fly to Baltimore, Maryland. In an earlier essay, “Two Resources When You Need Cancer Treatment Far from Home,” I wrote about our experience of staying in Hope Lodge in Baltimore.

I get my treatment at the University of Rochester in Rochester, New York. That means we’re both traveling long distances to different locations for our appointments. This presents a financial burden as well as a psychological one, especially if we’re not feeling well when we need to travel.

I have found four things that helped my spouse and me as we continue on our individual cancer journeys.

First: Try to Maintain a Good Attitude

We’ve discovered the importance of maintaining a good attitude. Otherwise, we’ll be miserable all the time. My partner has lost his faith, and as a former chaplain, I have maintained mine.

This presents challenges for both of us and our relationship. I understand how illness can test one’s faith and beliefs, but I try to hold on to the little faith I have and continue to pray every day. Everyone’s spiritual journey is unique, and sometimes, we lose our faith. I can put myself in my partner’s shoes and offer compassion. I’m the one who frequently looks into the latest research and insights on emerging therapies. I read all the latest medical journals and publications. My partner isn’t interested. So, I try gently to share with him anything that I think will be enlightening.

My partner also suffers from PTSD due to a terrible accident in which three of his fingers were amputated by a defective snow blower. This causes terrible reactions. Sometimes, we might be watching a movie and suddenly, someone’s fingers are being cut off. Seeing this will send my partner right back to the day he lost his three fingers, and the emotional response is overwhelming for him. For him, it’s as if that event just happened and he relives the horror of his experience. I try to support him as best I can, but it’s not easy. That trauma is real and painful to him.

My partner also has nightmares, which are a side effect of some of his medications. Dreams of being chased are the most common, but his dreams are outright horror experiences and are so terrifying that they cause him to yell, scream and cry out loud in the early morning hours! Again, I try to offer my support with a warm embrace or hug.

And as if that wasn’t enough, we’ve been scammed by two contractors while building our dream home and have lost most of our retirement funds as a result. So, that worry is added on top of everything else. After a while, all these things begin to affect me, and I feel depression creeping inside me. I do mindfulness meditation and depend on that to keep me balanced. My Quaker community is also a source of support for me. I don’t know if I could get through all this without meditation and the support of a few special family members and friends. When one has cancer, that doesn’t mean that other problems in life go away, leaving cancer as the sole focus. It means those other problems become compounded.

Second: Find Support With Others Who Are Experiencing Similar Things

It’s important for couples to find support from others who are experiencing the same or similar things. My partner isn’t one for support groups, so I sought another means of support. In my Quaker community, I found another couple in similar circumstances.

The wife has stage 4 metastatic breast cancer, and her husband has early prostate cancer. We’ve been able to open up to one another so that our stories are shared, and their truths are no longer as isolating and depressing. We’ve developed a deeper understanding and appreciation of those like us.

Our friends too struggle to maintain a positive outlook. They too deal with anxiety about their oncology visits. They too deal with the dreaded side effects of their cancer treatments. They too must struggle with making and keeping appointments and they too can’t help but being frustrated by how cancer has uprooted their lives.

Like so many of us, they also have family issues that take away the time needed for themselves in order to attend to the needs of others. All of this adds another layer of stress to their well-being. And yet, despite all this happening, my friend was able to say to me when I was having a bad day, “You matter to me.” She said, “I know it sounds trite, but give yourself this gift: time!” Giving yourself the ability to accept time does help.

Yes, learning to be patient and using my coping skills of mindfulness meditation support my recovery. Sometimes just hearing a supportive word from a friend, getting a card in the mail or receiving an email expressing concern for me is enough to help me get through a bad day. And I certainly have had my share of those horrible, bad days!

Third: Learn to Become an Empathetic Listener

Being an empathetic listener isn’t easy. With cancer, we all have mood swings, good days and bad days. We don’t always listen to our spouses and sometimes we don’t fully see our partners because we get so wrapped up in our own issues. The same is true with friends. Both of us couples are facing difficult issues which are emotionally draining. It’s as if we’re walking around with a cloud hanging over our heads, like the Charlie Brown cartoon character. How we react and how we’re able to adapt to the problems we face depends on our individual personalities.

We also lose our physical energy and must rely on the strength that comes from special family members and friends that connect with us. We benefit from this additional support. It nurtures us and we’re able to talk things out.

One of the great things about my spouse is his Irish sense of humor. And it’s his humor that helps us get through the roughest of times. He has a way of putting a funny perspective on simple things, and that makes me laugh. And one thing we know for sure: laughter is good medicine for all of us, as I outlined in my past blog, “Laughing in Silence and Stillness During Cancer.” These are ways my spouse and I try to help each other and express gratitude in our daily lives.

Fourth: Try to Learn Different Ways to Manage Stress

I have shared with you the additional stresses that both of us as couples are experiencing. This stress is emotionally and physically draining, not to mention the financial strain it presents. When adding this all together, it’s as if there’s a time bomb just waiting to explode. No wonder we feel irritable! No wonder we find it difficult to focus or remember things! We have the ongoing fear of cancer recurrence. We have sadness, guilt, frustration and anger. It becomes an emotional roller coaster.

Personally, I find relief in mindfulness meditation. That doesn’t work well for my spouse, so he has found another outlet by going to therapy. We all must find the best way to deal with our stress. Sometimes, just taking a walk in nature or cuddling up to your animal friend at home will help to reduce the stress. Spending time with our pets can help to take our minds off of our baggage for a while and give us a break from the anxiety we feel. Pets calm us, as discussed in one of my previous stories, “How Pets Can Provide Hope for Patients with Bladder Cancer.” What works for one person does not necessarily work for another. I’ve learned that there are times when my spouse doesn’t want to talk about something. In one of my earlier essays, I wrote about“Learning to Let It Be After Poor Test Results.” That’s a lesson I’m still learning to put into practice. If your partner doesn’t want to talk, respect their privacy. Give him or her their space.

Navigating a relationship when both partners are dealing with different types of cancer is daunting. The best thing we can do is focus on being there for each other. We become caregivers for each other, depending on who is having the most difficult time. It’s crucial to be thoughtful in our listening, patient in our communication and careful in our management of all medical appointments. By responding to each other with compassion and understanding, we can get through this cancer journey.

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