Breast Cancer Sucks But Sometimes Thoughtfulness Can Make It Better

Bonnie Annis is a breast cancer survivor, diagnosed in 2014 with stage 2b invasive ductal carcinoma with metastasis to the lymph nodes. Catch up on all of Bonnie's blogs here!

Breast cancer alters a woman’s appearance and can cause her self-esteem to suffer. Sometimes, all it takes is a little boost to bring back self-confidence. That boost can be very tiny or extremely large. In my case, I learned that big things, like feeling pretty, can come in little packages.

There’s a line from the movie “Steel Magnolias,” that hit me hard a few years back. The scene takes place in the hair salon owned by the character Truvy, played by Dolly Parton. In that scene, the main character Shelby, played by actress Julia Roberts, is getting her hair done for her upcoming wedding. Truvy asks Shelby about her plans and asks what colors she’ll use. Shelby talks excitedly and says, “My colors are blush and bashful.” The conversation continues with input from Sally Fields, who plays Shelby’s mother. Sally Fields’ character, Malin, argues that the wedding colors are pink and pink, then comes the line that hit me square between the eyes… “I like pink, pink is my signature color.”

After I was diagnosed with breast cancer, everyone I knew sent me pink things. I guess they thought I’d appreciate them since pink is the most widely known color to represent breast cancer, but I didn’t. I never liked pink before or after cancer; my collection of pink things was getting out of hand. Whenever I’d go to the mailbox, there would be another gift — usually some trinket with a breast cancer ribbon on it. I’d toss it in the drawer with the rest of the cancer-related items I’d received, but one day, as I went to get the mail, I found a very small box had been delivered.

I wondered what was inside. The return address label was that of a long-time friend. She knew me well. Quickly, I opened the box and found a pretty gold lipstick tube inside. How interesting, I thought. At least she’d sent me something practical. I liked that. As I removed the security seal around the tube and slid the top off, I found a bright red lipstick inside. Wow! I’d never worn red lipstick in my life. I’d always thought it too daring, yet here was the thoughtful gift from my friend. I’d have to at least put it on and snap a picture to send it to her.

I went into the bathroom and pulled out my magnifying mirror. Very carefully, I applied the lipstick. I wanted to make sure I kept it on my lips and not on my skin, as I assumed the bright red cosmetic would stain.

When the lipstick was applied, I took a tissue and blotted the excess off, then looked in the mirror. The red was bright, but it really wasn’t that bad. In fact, the longer I looked at it, the more I liked it. Hmmm… maybe red could be my new signature color.

The following day, my husband and I got ready to go shopping. I needed some new mastectomy bras, and he’d promised to drive me into town to get them. Just before walking out the door, I pulled out the red lipstick. Should I, or shouldn’t I? Questioning myself did no good, so I asked my husband, “What do you think about this lipstick? Do you think it’d be too much to wear?” He replied that he thought it’d look nice, so I put it on and off we went.

At the specialty shop where I buy my mastectomy supplies, the cashier commented on my lip color, saying, “I love that color on you! It really makes you look pretty.” She had no idea how I needed that boost of confidence that day. Buying mastectomy products was difficult for me. Each time I entered the store, I felt the overwhelming sadness of losing my breasts.

After making my purchases, we left and went to a nearby restaurant for lunch. We slipped into a quiet booth and waited to order our food. When the waitress appeared, she smiled and said, “Ooh, I love that color lipstick! Where’d you get it? I’d like to get some.” I explained that it was a gift, and she said, “It sure looks nice on you.” I thanked her, and that’s when I was reminded of the movie line. In my head, I could hear Julia Roberts saying, “Pink is my signature color” in her pronounced southern drawl. And I followed up that thought with this one: “Red is my signature color, or at least it is now.”

I never thought such a tiny gift would make such a huge impact on me, but it did. Since the day that gift arrived, I’ve worn red lipstick everywhere, and I’ll continue to wear it until I can no longer lift my hand to put it on.

When you have breast cancer, it does something to you. It steals a little portion of your femininity. You may not recognize it right away, but you will, and that’s when you’ll need a reminder that you’re still a woman, even when you may not feel like one.

So, I say, wear the red lipstick! Love your new wig! Buy that wild and crazy headdress or blouse. Do whatever it takes, no matter how tiny, to make yourself look and feel good again. And if you find a particular color that pleases you or brings you joy, claim it! Make it your signature color and don’t ever apologize for it. You deserve it, so own it!

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